Tuesday August 2nd, 2011 16:15 Vital Motoring Tips for Premier League Footballers

OK, you’re a footballer who’s just been snapped up by one of the top Premier League clubs – what’s the first thing you do? Go straight to the nearest nightspot to strut your stuff with a potential supermodel? Of course not. Head to a press conference to pretend you’d always dreamed of signing for this particular club? No, that can wait till later.

There’s only one thing to do, and that’s to head to the nearest car dealership and buy a blinged-up 4×4. You might think that flashy suits and sparkling jewellery are the defining items for a top footballer, but these are only peripherals. It’s the car that makes the boldest statements of all, so make sure you choose the right one.

It needs to be able to drive on any terrain ranging from bumpy shingle beaches to Glastonbury-esque mudbaths. Of course, you’ll only be driving it along super-smooth roads but that’s not the point. If the car isn’t capable of climbing the north face of the Eiger without you spilling your champagne, then it’s not worth having.

You’ll also need the fully blacked-out windows option as well. As you speed away from the training ground at 11am every morning, having done a full day’s work, you won’t want the hassle of the general public recognising you. It’s hard to believe that some of them actually ask for autographs while you’re sitting in the car, so you can avoid this unpleasantness by making sure they can’t actually see you.

And whatever you do, don’t settle for having a number-plate that Joe Public could also conceivably have had. You simply have to choose a personalised one. Don’t worry about the cost of this, though, because you’re now earning £100,000 per week, so if you’re a little skint by the end of the week there will be another small fortune already winging its way into your bank account.

It’s also worth remembering that you’re not like other, more ordinary, people now, so you don’t have to live by their rules anymore. From now on, for example, you can park wherever you like. The fine for illegal parking is only a few quid, so you can afford to do as you please. The same goes for speeding, so feel free to drive as fast as you like.
If you end up getting banned, you can simply pay someone else to drive you around in the future. After all, you’re special. You can kick a pig’s bladder around a field better than anyone else.

David Rice is a UK-based writer who doesn’t drive a great big 4×4 with tinted windows. He’s considering the purchase of a second-hand Renault Espace with masking tape on the windows, though. He prefers to search for car leasing deals rather than buy cars outright.

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